With the Lights Out-It's Less Dangerous
Updated: Apr 29, 2021
Smells Like Teen Spirit
When I started my writing journey, I had a laundry list of items in my home that just needed to go so I could have a fresh slate. My pile of items included this stuffed animal that I felt had no services to me anymore.
I was wrong. I was wrong because the item was a symbol of love and affection that I didn’t listen too. Instead, I made it a symbol of “I don’t want my love to look like this.” And discarded the item. With letting go of that, I believed it would set me free. I was letting go of a love from someone that was trying so hard to get in. I gathered friends and anyone who would listen to disrespect that love. Now I regret it. “I feel stupid and contagious” I struggled with love before that day and after. I put people in charge of giving it to me that were not ready or deserved that pressure. I didn’t understand why I was so upset and hurt all the time. “With the lights out it’s less dangerous” I disregarded love people wanted to give me. I only saw how I wanted to receive it. I was turning away love and then being mad at those people who wanted to love me. I pushed myself back into my hole and was upset and blamed everyone else. I didn’t let in the light because I felt comfortable in the dark. I felt invisible in the darkness and thought that is how everyone saw me. I needed to see the light. Then came Mary, the Undoer of Knots. My friend presented me with this novena that she started. For me it was an unbelievable answer I was looking for. My knot I created needed to be “undone”. I started the novena right away and I saw results. Phone calls for projects I wanted to work on. Sales for my books going up, messages from people I needed to hear from. The signs and symbol of love were overwhelming. When I finished the nine-day novena, I forgot all about it. On a random morning not much after, I woke up feeling free. I was excited and didn’t wait for my alarm. I was up and running ready to explode in my freedom. That afternoon, in a meeting that was to be fifteen minutes turned to last for two hours. During our conversation she stopped me and said: “I am interrupt you on purpose. I just had a feeling. You had something blocking you. And now it’s lifted. It’s gone.” She was on point. She didn’t know me or much about me, but she felt it. The knot was gone. It was the confirmation I needed to hear. “And for this gift I feel blessed” As we are now in Lent, I am making choices of what to do to build myself closer to Christ. I am letting go of items that take up space in my head and not necessarily the items that are holding space in my home (some of those have to go too). I am letting go of the names, faces, and locations, etc. of my dreams and the pressures that are afflicting others around me. This Lent I am putting myself first instead of telling myself I don’t deserve these things because, I am not perfect. I need to give myself love. I also need to give thanks and love to those who try so hard to love me and I continue to push them away. “She's over-bored and self-assured Oh no, I know a dirty word” This morning, instead of mass I felt driven to Manor park to pray. I keep receiving the message through signs and symbols that God has something bigger in store for me. On this beautiful morning I was not only blessed with God’s presence he made sure I saw this.
I know the love I desire is out there bigger than I can imagine. “Hello, hello, hello” So, it Smells like Teen Spirit. Because that song comes to me every day. It’s a reminder to never give up and always reinvent yourself to get to that dream in your heart. Don’t put limitations to it, let it create itself. This song has so many covers sometimes they amaze me how the talk to me in a different way. The song Teen Spirit was written off of a joke. “Kurt, you smell like teen spirit”. From what I have read, Kurt Cobain wrote this song last minute before Nirvana sang it at an award show. He wrote it not knowing it would change a generation. Kurt didn’t get to see the full extent of how powerful his dreams was. The confidence and faith he had in it. It is a constant reminder to me that if a song written with faith it would be a hit, what would stop me from telling what is in my heart it is not worth it? It tells me to NEVER GIVE UP! I thank everyone in my path for what you have given me. I thank first the people who try so hard to love me and I have shut them out. I pray to let go of that pain (Thank you Mary, Undoer of Knots) I pray in gratitude for all the hurt and mistakes and it has driven me to be in this place and see how blessed I am. That God is always with me and I have nothing to fear. I pray for all of you to find where you can let go of what isn’t serving you and will you closer to Christ.
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