• Debby Kruszewski

When the Bee stings


“Well, that stings,” I said as I read the last text from someone I really should have stopped texting years ago. Then I realized it was more than just one. There were others. It started to snowball.


I knew it was a waste of time.

I knew the relationship was not there.

I knew I looked stupid.

I knew I needed to move on.

I knew that I wasn’t strong enough back then to let it go.


I kept the text chain moving along.


#badmove


I had lost the emotional and physical connection with these individuals.

Why did I keep it going?

The drug of the “what if” or the “maybe” lingered around in my thoughts and when I wasn’t strong enough,

I sent the text.


#stupidmove


Sometimes I knew I was degrading myself.

Sometimes I was obviously begging for the attention.

Sometimes I knew I was being used.

All the sometimes added up to years of empty data usage.

All grasping cries for help.


#ouch


Again, I was no longer invested in these people, so why bother?

I was invested in the connection of someone on the other end to answer me.

I was invested in hearing the things that were inside of me that hurt.

I was having a conversation with the person inside of me that I loved to continue to hurt.


Let the sting begin.


The texts all led to further hatred on myself.

Self-doubt and letting the fears box me in.

The conversations of the “you will never….”

“You can’t have it because you don’t deserve it.”

“Why do you think that person would even give you a chance?”


I was dying inside, not realizing I was secretly asking for help from someone else who cannot fix or solve my problems.


The only person that can heal and fix me is me.


After that one last text,

the sting was self-inflicted.

The loud silence was necessary.

Knowing that I was hurting myself was real.

It was always real.

It always hurt.

The only love I had was the hurt.

The only love I was giving myself was pain.


That person in the mirror was my text message that stabbed me each time.


But wait, I want more…


My drug continued to push me.

My emotions led me to another dumb text.


#stopthebleeding


I turned to my mustard seed of faith and asked for help.


Faith let me look in the mirror.

Faith forced me to push out all the hatred and ugly words I was feeding myself and replace them with loving and kind words.


Faith was ready with ammunition and the right text messages to fill up the data usage on my phone and in my heart.


Faith let me look in the mirror and forced me to push out all the hatred and ugly words I was feeding myself and replace them with loving and kind words.


God is always on time.


The positive reinforcements of texts pouring through and the good people that God put into my life let the ugly text messages seem so far away and distant.


I needed that.


After so much time I took to look in the mirror with anger and hatred for that person staring back at me I can look back now and smile.


So, all of the empty text messages I have given into through the years I thank you.


Thank you for letting me see my worth and beauty inside.

Thank you for letting me see that I have so much more to give that is bigger than a text message.

Thank you for letting me see that I deserve more, and it will come to me.

Thank you for pushing me through this growth I needed help with.

Thank you for letting me use this newly found power within me to help others.

Thank you for being you and lead me to see my true self.


Alright, that was heavy…


I am a work in progress just like everyone else.

If we all take the time to look in the mirror and smile, it makes the heart sing.

If we can share a smile with someone else, you can make someone else’s heart sing.

I look forward to watching hearts sing more often.


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