Talk to Me
Updated: Jan 10
Conversations that changed me in 2021
“I can hear them.”
She said to me after a few days of long management strategy sessions.
I started to notice that I was no longer myself that week and became someone I was years ago.
Someone I no longer wanted to be.
There were many triggers that week remind me of the past me.
I didn’t know how loud they really were.
I have felt invisible for the past few years. Maybe even longer.
There were many voices inside of me trying to be heard.
I was hoping in a group setting they would not be noticeable.
I mostly feel unnoticeable in a group.
I felt safe hiding there.
But she noticed.
I was relieved.
We took our afternoon break away from the crowd to talk more about my “voices”.
She explained to me that she is a clairvoyant healer. When she read my bio she said "right away, I could hear all these old voices in you trying to get out. I want to help you heal."
Everything she said was spot on.
I wanted to be seen and heard and no longer be masked by these loud voices inside that did not represent me.
I wanted the real me to shine out loud.
We prayed together and asked for the old pieces of me to leave me and let me start new in the soul that wants to live here.
The old voices no longer served me.
After our prayers she laid her hands to my shoulder and head.
I felt blank for a few seconds along with a strong dizziness.
What was holding onto me released from me.
The arguments and confusion inside of me left.
I became the new me I have been trying to let out for so long.
Thank You, Lord for sending me someone that understands what I have been going through without being judged and guiding me through this pain. Thank You, Lord. I feel like a fresh new version of myself that has been waiting to shine for a long time. Welcome my dear self.
“You are so disrespectful.”
I went into a sensitive project with trepidation. I didn’t believe this was the right team for the project. I stayed in faith that God will take care of what was needed and we could all have a win here.
When the end of the day came there were no victories.
I was disappointed in myself for the faith I gave this team. It was time for the project to be terminated.
“You are so disrespectful” I was told.
With this statement I saw that my faith was real.
From the beginning I didn’t see how they could do the project with their resources.
The leader assured me I was wrong, and they could.
I was sold something I didn’t trust, but I looked at it as faith was going to show me that it will work.
What my faith was saying “This is not going to work, walk away.”
I didn’t hear my intuition as faith.
The comment of me being “disrespectful” was the reassurance of my faith.
Faith was telling me not to work with this team and I did anyway.
Faith also took me out of the situation before it got worse.
Faith let me know I was always taken care of no matter what decision I made.
Thank You, Lord, for always showing me when I need to trust You. When I don’t hear it, You will tell me again in another way.
“I am so grateful that everyone is ok. That is all that matters.”
As I went to make a left turn, a young girl decided to run into my path. I had no choice but to stop short. I felt the hit from behind and froze in shock. The young girl looked back staring straight into my eyes and ran away. The other cars all detoured themselves around me and vanished. I moved my car to the corner to not be in this vulnerable space. I could not see the car behind me or who it was that hit me.
I thought he was gone too.
I felt so invisible.
I was so shocked everyone in my view at that moment fled the scene.
After much shaking, I got out of my car to see a man across the street waving at me as he came over. It was the man that hit me from behind.
“Are you ok?” He asked me.
“Yes, I am fine. Just in shock. I can’t believe how fast that happened.” I said back.
“I am so grateful that everyone is ok. That is all that matters.” He said back.
We never know how we will see a miracle.
That moment I saw several.
They come in all shapes and sizes.
I now have a new friend who showed me that people do care and have big hearts.
He also made sure that I mattered.
I needed to feel that.
Thank You, Lord for saving all of us from harm. I am grateful to witness a miracle and share it with others. I am grateful for a new friend.
“THAT IS YOUR CHEAT MEAL FOR THE WEEK!”
I believe in preventative maintenance. I want to make sure I am smart about how I will approach the next 5-10 years of my life. I know that major changes are coming to my life and my body. I want to be as graceful about it as possible. Eating the right things, getting into a proper realistic exercise routine, as well as keeping my mind as mentally clear as possible. I want to cover it all. I need help preparing for these changes around the corner.
I went to see a nutritionist to help me get started on the right path.
I had doubts as to this being the right person for me.
I don’t know why I went forward with giving it a chance.
I think being eager to make positive changes dismissed the negative signals.
In the initial first meeting the nutritionist gave me logs to fill out of everything.
How much and how often I was eating.
How often I was going to the bathroom.
What I was drinking.
What my exercise each day looked like in detail.
What my schedule was like each day.
What was my sleep like each night.
It was extremely obsessive and felt very invasive.
He never even asked me about me. He was probing for extreme issues that I did not have. He wanted me to be broken.
This was not what I came here for.
I was asked to get a scale for my weight and a food scale for my kitchen.
When to weight in each week and what to eat two days prior.
It was overwhelming and nowhere in the direction of what I needed.
It didn’t feel right.
My anxiety was building.
Old memories from being treating for eating disorders and teen problems that I never suffered from came back.
I questioned how this was going to help me prepare for my future.
“I need to know what you are eating. There is no judgment.” He said.
There was clearly judgment.
I was being punished for wanting to be proactive.
It was damaging.
I did not follow his rules.
When I was not successful at the obsessive food-log and tracking tactics, I was sent a few nasty texts of “SEND ME PICTURES OF YOUR MEALS.”
New memories and anxiety of abusive relationships and situations when I felt trapped and suffocated.
This verbal abuse from someone I was seeking professional help to prevent health problems as I am heading into a new chapter of my life.
He left me paralyzed.
No one should be treated like this. It is not human.
“I signed up for this right?” I said to myself.
I thought all those old pains were gone.
I don’t need them back. They are not invited back.
I don’t need to be abused for wanting to be supported on the right path of heading into the middle age of my life.
I snapped the photo of my dinner and sent it on its way.
“THAT IS YOUR CHEAT MEAL FOR THE WEEK!”
My labeled “cheat meal” a balance of pork, vegetables, rice, and some cheese tasted even better after his loud response back.
What is cheating in a nourishing meal?
The scales were crashed and sent straight to the trash.
The firing of this professional returned with a response of
“Good luck because you are going to need it.”
That was loud and clear.
What I heard was his anger towards himself.
Using his anger towards food as a career to abuse others into the pain he holds is in no way professional.
I walked away from that abuse.
I forgave that nutritionist and all the other past abusive pains I was given from all the others who can’t handle their insecurities.
“I forgive all of you. I hope one day you can forgive yourself and be happy.”
Life is too short for “cheat meals”.
Thank You, Lord for showing me my self-worth. Thank You, for taking me out of an abusive situation and forgiving those that cannot understand the pain they cause others. Thank You for finding me the right people that will help me age gracefully and make me feel good about myself.
“You can’t make a mistake.”
Maybe one of the best lessons I have learned right after
“No one cares as much about what you look like as you do.”
There are no mistakes, just recalculating.
God wants what is best for you.
Learn every day that when something goes wrong you may not know why, stay in faith.
I can now look at each mistake as a piece of growth that I give to God and move towards how it will recalculate into something better.
I am ready for something better.
Thank You, Lord for showing me that I am not perfect here on earth and each day You are taking care of me.
You only want the best for me.
Those words seem to come out a lot. They have been very loud this year. The one that sticks out the most was from a group session for a project where the speaker started with
“We can do anything here together! We can figure it out!”
As the brainstorming went on the same speaker put the brakes on many of the solutions and questions that came about. I started to notice a pattern here.
“Didn’t this dude just point out at the start that we can make anything work here?
Suddenly, we can’t?” I decided to ask some bold and direct questions.
“I didn’t answer your question.”
“No, you didn’t.” I responded.
The room went silent.
I wanted to understand why there were so many dead ends out of some really good solutions.
I wanted to understand why we are being Dream Crushed after we united to make this project come together.
Some truths came out that day.
Some people gave me shade for poking the bear.
Some thanked me for being strong enough to poke the bear.
Some asked to give the bear a hug.
I learned a lot that day.
Thank You, Lord for showing me that I can do anything through YOU who strengthens me. If I don’t ask the bold questions, I won’t get the answers. Thank You for giving me the strength within to ask them.
This year instead of letting words hurt me I found ways for them to empower me.
There can be good in everything.
I chose to see the good in everything.
I chose to let the “You can’t” into empowerment of “Yes, I can!”
There will always be people and situations in your life that will crush your dreams and hold you back from believing they can come true.
Dreams are in your heart for a reason.
If you can see how God is with you on this journey even through the bad situations and uncomfortable conversations, you can see how God will make your dreams come true because they are in your heart for a reason.
Don’t chase dreams, make them happen!
God bless you conversations from 2021.
I look forward to bolder and bigger conversations that are building blocks to my next set of dreams in 2022.
I am ready, are you?
Having trouble identifying your dreams? It is never too late to have a dream or to make it happen!
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