• Debby Kruszewski

Lauren Didn't go to Paris

My story is so old and broken.

I am kind of sick of hearing it myself.

I don’t know why I feel there is a badge of honor to wear from old scars instead of getting out and creating new memories that don’t bring along scars.

But I mean…

“Don’t you want to know what he did to me?”

“Don’t you want to know why that job sucked?”

“Don’t you want to know why we aren’t friends anymore?”

“Don’t you want to know why I didn’t go to school there?”

The list is so old I cringe when that opportunity comes along.

“Wait, I got one better.”

Your “one better” sucks. Shut it down DK.

The last “don’t you want to know?” I felt the eye rolls and silence.

Wait-that was coming from me. I am so over it and needed to learn how to turn it off.

So how?

I had decided to draw a line in the sand and leave the past in the past. The old stories that I held onto and memories for more than a 5 day-10+ year expiration date on them had to go. For whatever reason I could not seem to let go and move on.

I am sorry to all the people that had to listen to these stories that were built up from anger and resentment that I held onto for comfort.

Do I have to let them go?

When does a story end? When is the grace period over? Do I have so many old stories because I didn’t make the time to build new ones?

The story doesn’t have to be “over” it needs a new place to go. I carried them with me for so long and nourished them I didn’t let them grow, find a new home, or the chance to leave. I wanted them all to myself.

I asked God for help to erase these stories to leave my daily life.

Then God did his work and erased the memories.

The stories vanished.

All of them.

I lost 22,487 photos stored on my phone and several back-ups plans with each recovery plan at a dead end. The memories I kept going back to were gone.

Just like that, God took away these memories that I asked for him to take and paved a path to make new memories.

I was in a panic once I realized they were gone. I frantically fished for all of them as if they were my children lost at the mall. When they were not recovered, I mourned their loss and felt a release. I had to move on.

This time I will focus on knowing when they need to find a new home.

When I look back at these badges of honor, I realize not all of them were bad, but fear driven. These mistakes I made became punishments I gave to myself. I made it a habit to constantly go back to remind myself that I made a mistake once and only bad things will continue to happen to me because I made that one mistake.

Was it really a mistake?

Well, that was a lot for me to soak in.

How long do I have to punish myself for something that maybe wasn’t all that bad?

I confessed.

I confessed again.

God forgave me, but I didn’t forgive myself.

I took back my confessions and decided I didn’t deserve to be forgiven. I took back the confession again and again and gave myself new punishments.


Alright, so we came here to talk about Lauren and how she didn’t go to Paris.

As I was carrying drama with me, I had to let go of these old sayings in my head.

“Lauren didn’t go to Paris.”

From a management perspective, this scene from way early 2000’s was very harsh and dramatic. It was inappropriate and untrue.

From a tv rating perspective it was good ratings drama.

For those that have no idea what I am talking about here is the breakdown.

The scene was about a choice that Lauren made to give up an internship in Paris for the summer or spend the summer at the beach with her boyfriend.

She chose the boyfriend.

Spoiler alert-they broke up before the summer ended.

So here we are shaking our head for Lauren of her “poor choice” of a man over her career and she was ruined.

When I went back to rid of this quote from my memory, I thought of the years I spent at the beach with my friends in my early 20’s.

The boyfriends that came and went.

The crazy wild times.

The times I had the chance to go to Paris, Singapore, Hong Kong, London for work and decided instead “if I miss out this weekend, I am socially ruined.”

When the beach fun was gone, my career was stale. I beat myself for making the "poor choice." I beat myself up for years on end that I choose fun over my career. I told myself I had wasted time and now those opportunities were gone. They were never gone, I had stopped looking.

This time I took a step back and gave another walk through of the situation.

I told myself repeatedly that Lauren was being punished for doing what her heart wanted her to do in that moment. I didn’t think about her dreams of going to work in Paris and become a fashion designer someday would all come true. She trusted her heart of finding love, which is trusting God.

I think it all worked out. Don’t cry for Lauren.

Spending that summer with Jason in Malibu was a character development she needed to know what was good for her and what wasn’t. At that time, it wasn’t Jason.

Don’t cry for him either. He is happily married and running successful rehab centers in Malibu.

Back to me.

When my beach fun was over, I didn’t see that I was turning into a new season of my life.

All I felt was pain and loss of not being prepared for the silence. Not prepared for what my fun season ending would rudely show me what I didn’t take away from it.

I sat in shame that I did something wrong and blamed what was in my heart at the time.

I beat myself up for years afterwards that was unnecessary. I now realize losing those photos and reminders of Lauren not going to Paris, no longer served me as my badge of honor. I had to let go of unfair pain and resentment which meant I was angry at God for letting me have fun and lose my future.

And guess what happened?

Lauren made her dream of being a designer come true, I found my dreams again of being a designer, writer, business mogul and made them true.

We also made it to Paris..

No, not together. But we made it!

Lauren, I salute you on not going to Paris. I salute you for not looking at your mistake as a failure. I thank you for showing me that a mistake is recalculating and setting me up for something bigger and better.

To all my old failures and mistakes, I thank you for being a part of my life and giving me valuable lessons. I thank you for loving me the only way you knew how. I am letting you all go to live in the past and I am not taking you with me on my journey to be the best version of myself I can be.

What keeps you in the past?

I would love to hear from you! Please leave a comment below and follow me on social media @debbykrusz .

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