• Debby Kruszewski

Inner Beauty

Updated: Jul 3, 2021


“You are all so beautiful on the inside. That should be all that matters.”


Sure…


That is completely how it all works out.

I mean, that is why Botox is going bankrupt, right? Exactly…


Somewhere along the path of growing up, our parents over loved us by enforcing encouraging words of how special and unique we are. We went out into the world and someone or something made us forget all of it. We went into self-doubt of:


“I am not good enough.”


Those who triumphed past those words early on in life “bravo to you!” I am sure you don’t feel the need to read on from here.


The others (99% of you) let’s get into it.


Alright, I completely have my head drive straight into 7th grade here. Middle school to me was magical. My friends from outside of the walls of Central School all came together to one glorious compound divided by wings of North House and South House.*


“Poof” my worlds collided. How spectacular that was! Having lunch with my ballet friends, my soccer friends, my CCD friends, and my Central school posse. I felt as if I had built my Utopia. I mean, I had it figured out at 12 years old.


Until…


There was not enough room at the table.


Let me tell you, them 7th grade bitch claws came out. (Yes, grammar queens. It is ‘them’ for the ghetto vibe. Please- let it go).


It started with the nasty looks.

The whispers to find someone who was the weak link.

Then it began.


“Why are you wearing that shirt? No one else is.” Then the laughs. Oh, sad that there was an unsaid expectation to wear a specific striped shirt from the GAP and everyone was supposed to know what day to wear it.

What is sad-most of us just did.

It was a ticket to be part of the group.

To be at the ‘table’.


The ones who laughed the loudest were the ones that got to stay at the table.

The ones who stuck up for themselves, knew they were not invited back.

The ones who didn’t stick up for their friend, lost them and stayed at the table with acquaintances that later stabbed them in the back.


Those young girls lost a piece of themselves that day and lost some really good friends.


I was one of those girls.


During those days in 7th grade, we had the opportunity to let our true selves shine, showing some inner beauty and do the right thing.


I didn’t do the right thing.


I watched friends go in shame to another table on the other side of the building (that is like a long walk. I mean seriously making a commitment during a 35-minute lunch break.)


I sat in shame and fear of not being accepted. I hurt people I loved.


Not long after, I became the next victim.


Watching my friends go through this, my day had come. I played my ‘nasty card’ as I believed that was my best defense.


I said things I still cringe to this day thinking about. I am so horrified of who I became. Instead of asking God for forgiveness, to help be become a loving person, I went deeper into becoming that ‘nasty bitch warrior’, fighting and asking for battles that didn’t need to exist.


I became someone I didn’t like in the mirror. It took me way too long in my adulthood to see how I reenacted that ‘cafeteria scene’ from all the relationships in my life.


For me, I failed to see my own inner beauty. I only saw what my ‘ticket’ was to be at the table. My ticket was to fight off who I didn’t want at the table.


I could not have been uglier.


Did anyone watch Heathers? I mean, let’s remember how that ended.


How I turned it all around.


Over my journey to becoming closer to Christ, I found that I needed to separate myself from my ego.


Dang, I built up a whole lot of ego. I will get into that in other blog posts for sure. The cleansing of releasing your ego is so deep. It needs to be its own series. (Yes, I am writing a program on it. DM me if you want to know more).


Alright already stop the side chatter and get to the point!


When 2021 started and we were all masked up in the dead of winter I could not tell who anyone was. I had a morning routine of Starbucks and then a long walk in Manor park very early in the am, that was part of cleansing my ego process. That day I was focused on “giving and helping others”.


I was making a list of people I wanted to help, not people who WANTED my help. I was super blind at this stage of the game.


As I picked up my green tea, a familiar voice came up to me with a hug.


“D KRUSZ!” She screamed. All I could see was braided pigtails a big fluffy hat and a mask. She dropped her mask a bit so I could see who she was.


“Hey girl! I hugged her back. We talked for a few, and she asked to meet-up one day.


“Yeah, sure of course! I would love too!” I said back and we went our separate ways. I remember her looking back and smiling at me. I smiled back at her and waved. Her pigtails flipped as she put back on her fluffy hat. I believe she left some glitter there that day.


She held a lot of energy.


As I believed I was so on point with ridding of my ego, I didn’t listen to the voice in my heart that said:


“She needs a friend. You should meet up with her.”


Instead, I said back to my voice:


“Oh no. I can’t get into her shit right now. I just can’t.”


I didn’t listen to God’s voice in my heart. I let ego win.


I lost the sight of God helping me in my process and handing me someone that WANTED my help. Instead, I wanted to pick and choose as if I was back in 7th grade at the cafeteria table. I wanted a perfectly helpless victim instead of someone that needed to talk to an old friend just for comfort.


I don’t know what her drama was, but I felt it. I let that turn me against the task God was giving me. I am so sad of the choice I made that day.


HOLY WORK IN PROGRESS!


Not long after that, I received a call that she had passed away. **


I am disappointed in myself that I let my ego win. It did show me that I needed to continue my work on myself so I can help others.


Work in progress, work in progress, work in progress...


I made the choice to go to her memorial service. There were no tears, it was embracing the joy of life. Her family had a great attitude that she was there with us and how they will not let her spirit die.


I love that.


The most important things I took away from that celebration of life:


She gave gratitude brunches for her friends.

She connected groups together.

She GAVE constantly.

She lived in the moment.

She LOVED.

She made an impact.

She let people see her true inner beauty.

Everything she did was magic.


I like to think that God sends us people on earth to be our specially connected Angels in heaven. The mistakes God already knew I was going to make lead me to see inner beauty in someone I check listed off. Someone who didn’t fit at my ‘table’.


I am going to leave you with that.


Life is so precious, don’t waste it. Don’t throw away your inner beauty and be embarrassed of what you can bring to the ‘table’. Don’t dismiss others because you didn’t take the time to learn about their inner beauty.


Believe in your inner voice. Let your inner beauty shine. Be the 1% that shines NOW and not the 99% herd that hides behind their fears and insecurities.


Let’s change the curve together.


Stay connected, even if it is hard. Put your ego aside and listen to God in your heart.


*I love all my friends from growing up. Most of us stay connected via social media or in person. I believe we are all cheerleaders for each other. There is no vendetta here or a specific story. Generality is to be relatable.

**Secondly, I don’t know how my friend died. It is not important. What matters the most is that she made an impact in her world and taught us to love, laugh, and embrace the moments we have to give.


I would love to hear from you! Please leave a comment below and follow me on social media . You can sign-up for my newsletter and updates on my contact page. Thanks again for reading my post!


Follow me @debbyrusz and my links here:https://linktr.ee/DebbyKrusz

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